I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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