I want to make a zoo with you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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