I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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