I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
