You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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