Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
