Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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