Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
