My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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