so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
