i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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