life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
