It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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