Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize