the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
someone owes me an orgasm
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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