when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
