like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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