I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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