Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
