Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sober January is a disaster.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
