i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
