Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
