did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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