Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
