My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
