Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
