please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
