I didn't shave. On purpose
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
