I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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