I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
