don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
