You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
