Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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