My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
