I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
