Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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