Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
