i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
