I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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