She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
