Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
