I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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