all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
