Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
