He had one of those small greek statue penises
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
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