what day is it and did you see me today?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm experimenting with sincerity
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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