I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
