I looked at my own cervix.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
