I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
