2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Let's get the cat blown out
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
