Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
