Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
