Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
