i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
