I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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