Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
