Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
