i jhust puked up my retainher.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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