Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
