don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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