At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
