Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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