The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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